In ten days we'll mark ten years since Alice died, and I can't even believe it. The mildly good news is I've finally stopped eating donuts and more donuts. Like maybe I've shed the sorrow from losing her. I'd been wearing it around my waist all these years. I think it's receded into my bones, along with my memories of her, and will live there for now.
Thinking about this past decade, in a way I'm grateful that Alice's departure from the world prompted me to write. Without her, I could have easily spiraled downward, suffocating from my grief. But Alice's spirit propelled me to chronicle the story of my loss which led to creating a blog about workplace issues then publishing personal pieces in other outlets. I've catalogued my work at chahinian.com. Alice is in every line I've written.
Rereading the lines on this site, I want to edit them so they're sharper, more descriptive. But as I get set to print this blog as a memento, I'm afraid to touch the poor word choice and grammatical errors. It's like my yearning for Alice lives in the sometimes bad sentence structure. I don't want to erase that.
So this online journal will sit, messy. Like me all these summers, struggling to make sense of my sister's death.
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