Changes

I'm torn about addressing these photos. Am I giving away too much by describing them? It's just that Alice is so alive in them.

She referred to this occasion as "the reunion" because she, Sophie and I hadn't been in the same place at the same time in several months. My mom insisted on a photo of the 3 of us together. There had been some space between Sophie and me for insignificant reasons, and there had been space between Sophie and Alice, too. Actually, there had been space between Alice and me as well, yet with this visit I was feeling her all over again. Naturally.

So we lined up as we are, and I didn't know this until later: Alice was upset that we weren't in the order in which we always have been in photos. Always, the order of the three children were Sophie, Alice, Haig. Or, Haig, Alice, Sophie. Alice was always between her brother and her sister. Except in these photos, hence her very lively corresponding facial expressions.

In the last photo, L did something cute on the grass to grab Alice's and Sophie's attention, although why not mine? I'm just her dad.

Like me, Alice had difficulties with change. Why should we change the order in which we've always been? This time it was different, so what we get are snapshots of a very animated Alice.

To be sure, Alice was a ham for the camera when she felt like it, and this was no exception. She was having fun with us. May she have fun for eternity.

Alice graduated from USC, too!

Mission accomplished in returning to New York much earlier than I wished. We're moving, and yesterday we settled some time-sensitive business related to starting life in a new apartment. Peter reminded me of the following goodie the other day:

At my graduation from USC in May 1993, the ceremony was pretty impersonal. No surprise at such a large university, really. From this detail Alice created an opportunity for herself, and a fun spectacle for the rest of us.

Dressed in my cap and gown, I got my little blue card, on which I wrote my name and major. Heaven forbid anybody know who's graduating that day and what they'd been studying for the past four years. When I got to the podium, I handed the card to the announcer, who read it, and voila -- I graduated. I walked off the stage, and when nobody was looking, took off my regalia and handed it to Alice, who couldn't wait to graduate, too. She donned the black robe and cap, got her blue card, wrote her, er, name -- Skya Soblue -- and her major, darnit which I forget, and walked to the stage. Very entitled, for all the hours she had studied in the Doheny Library to get to this moment, Skya got to the podium, handed her card over, and walked proudly to pick up her diploma scroll, which looked exactly like mine -- blank. When she returned to where we were standing, she took off her cap and threw it in the air and we snapped a picture. She was so giddy! Now that I remember it, the boyfriend of a fellow graduate also walked with Alice, so she had a partner in crime. The picture in my mind is of the two of them side by side, caps in the air.

While this anecdote brings me so much pleasure to recount, there was another, less pleasant element to my graduation. Alice was in charge of filming the day's events. I suppose any time you hear the words "Alice was in charge," you should be weary. Unfortunately, I wasn't, I had only known Alice all my life.

By the end of the day, I was so excited to see what it all looked like, how future Chahinians would get to see their great-grandfather on his fateful graduation day from USC. We pop the video into the VCR, press play, and what a lovely picture! There I am, walking in my cap and gown towards the graduation area. There I am talking with friends. There I am, CLUNK. There they are, blades of grass and the bottom of a tree trunk, while sound remains, and there I am faintly audible talking to someone. For another minute, then I'm no longer audible. The grass doesn't move, nor does the tree. For about twenty-five more minutes. Alice clearly had something more interesting to do, like graduate herself, which took precedence over chronicling mine. It still kind of pisses me off, yet at a moment like this, I regret not taking over the camera duties and catching more of her graduation from my alma mater, as well.

This is What I Want to Tell You

I'm still thinking about how Lynette C. from the WHS class of '88 came to Alice's funeral services. Earlier in the week she had written an e-mail to me expressing her condolences, and some regrets about not having been in touch recently. Of course I related to everything she said in her e-mail, yet I had no idea she intended to be at the funeral.

Standing inside the Rose Hills Memorial Chapel, I was receiving guests when I turned to my left and saw Lynette standing in the pews. She looked hot, if I may say. Even in her sadness, she had this elegance about her. Because her e-mail domain was "southernwine," I thought perhaps she lived in the South now? Actually, I don't know where she lives, and while it's not impossible she travelled from Athens, GA to be there, I have the sense that she likely lives in the Los Angeles area. I went up to her and told her I received her e-mail, and how kind and thoughtful it was. She reiterated her remorse, and I offered that Alice had Lynette in her heart, too. I remember Lynette, Iris, Deonna, and Melissa -- there may have been a few others? -- were fast friends back in 7th grade.

And so this is what I want to tell you. Lynette and Alice probably last saw each other 18 years ago. That's half their lifetime ago. I don't take lightly that a busy professional such as Lynette can be at a funeral in the middle of the workweek; I know that takes considerable energy to arrange for onesself. What this tells me is even in physical absence, people hold other people dear. Lynette has had a special place in her heart for Alice ever since they met. And from this fact, I know that Alice held a very similar place in her heart for Lynette. While sure, it would have been nice for them to be in touch in the recent past, absence does not diminish the meaning people hold in our hearts. I don't want to talk from a soapbox-- although, what is a blog if not a virtual soapbox?

Just know that whom you hold close in your heart will remain there forever, regardless of frequency of contact.

High School Drama, and Some History

Friends from Whitney are writing in, and so I want to write a little about the funeral relative to folks from our high school. Details from the funeral service I will write as I am able to synthesize them.

Generally, the funeral was what I had hoped -- well, what I said a few days prior was that I wanted it not to be "generic." Mission accomplished, in that way.

Jodi I. and Bill R., who were Alice's, Sophie's and my drama and history teachers, respectively, arrived together at about 10:50 a.m. At the moment I was greeting people who were arriving. Actually I think the word is "receiving" people who were arriving, because blubbering hardly feels like greeting. So Jodi walks toward me, and as I look up, I see her gorgeous face, smiling. What a surprise, a relief, a vision of loveliness. I hug her and immediately start sobbing, telling her how Alice was always smiling, and how her smile was similarly bright like Jodi's. What a revelation, really, to experience a smiling face that was there to bring comfort in a time of sorrow. She said not to worry about what I say, in reference to the eulogy, I think -- again, bringing me comfort. Thinking back, of course Jodi would be thinking about the performance aspect of the eulogy, she teaches theater! I would not be telling the whole truth if I also didn't say I also had considered, well, what one might consider the entertainment value of the speech. Sounds cold, yet, it crossed my mind. As did my memory of Cher's fabulous tribute to Sonny back in 1998 or so. She was so sad, weeping, and glamorous. Would people draw comparisons between Cher and me? Next I turned to Mr. R. and shook his hand. It was very heartwarming to see him, and he offered his condolences. I didn't remember his beard being as long as it was, although I do remember the baseball cap.

Later I would learn that he admonished a fellow member of the class of '89 for not participating in the alumni e-mail network. Have you signed up since, Susan?

The photo at the top of this entry again is one of Alice and L. I thought you'd like to see Sophie, too. Aren't they a trio of pure beauty? Alice is so close to L, she wanted to be cheek to cheek with my baby, and take her all in. And Sophie is all pride and joy, holding the little bundle of love.

Lighten Up!

Alice was really athletic, so it's no surprise that she worked with many coaches in her time. Coach Paul from ULV just wrote in, offering a further glimpse into Alice's life, and how folks are responding in the aftermath of her burial.

"I regret that I will be unable to attend the service as I will be between classes and meetings. While these seem minor to me at this time, other people are counting on me to be at these as well. I would like to think that Alice would understand.

I remember Alice fondly as someone who did not take life too seriously, and always had us laughing about something. I can imagine her in heaven now, going, "Hey! Lighten up! I'm in a better place you can only imagine, and I can't wait for you to join me!" And this should inspire us to lead our lives so that we CAN join her when we pass on from this world. I think the only time I ever saw her down is when she felt she let others down. I know she struggled at times in the classroom, and yet regarded it, not so much as a failure on her part, but as a disappointment to others who had so much faith in her. Then she would work even harder to get the job done.

I know Alice felt bad that some of us at ULV had written letters for her to get into graduate school here a couple of years ago, but she changed her mind at the last minute. However, we know that she was seeking the best program to meet her needs and to help her move on to other things. If I recall correctly, she wanted to look for better opportunities in teaching, and with her energy and enthusiasm, should have been a joy to watch in the classroom. I have not heard from her in a few years, but hope that she found the opportunities she was looking for.

I spoke with Coach Wendy, and it is my understanding that there will be a moment of silence before the Women's Soccer home game today at 4pm. Although Men's Soccer Coach Gonzalez came after Alice's time at ULV, I made him aware of the contributions the Chahinian family made to improve the soccer situation at ULV. In recognition of this and of Alice, Coach Gonzalez is also planning on a moment of silence in Alice's memory before the men's home match on Saturday evening at 7pm.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all at this time.

Respectfully,
Paul
Professor of Movement & Sports Science
Athletic Training Clinical Supervisor
University of La Verne"

An Owl and the Olive Capital

Sjoekje just sent in the words she expressed at Alice's funeral yesterday. Thanks, Sjoekje. Here they are:

"This is a personal first for me. Spoke at many events, not one like this. When I was asked to speak today, I didn’t think I had the strength to do so. In true Chahinian fashion, her brother Haig was so encouraging and supportive. It goes to show that many of Alice’s positive attributes are inherited through her family.

Alice would be so incredibly honored to have such an event as today. She would give us all a big, "YEA!" She would humbly express her love and gratitude to everyone.

What I am most grateful for was her visiting my parents. Alice and I grew up, literally, just a couple of miles apart and didn’t know it until college. She would shout out at college parties (each and every college party) across the room, "Sook we’re neighbors!"

The first time she came over to my parent’s house, was a great first impression. My parents have this huge fan (like from home depot...gigantic) that sits on the floor and that you can have it tilt up to the ceiling. It was by the front door, and when she walked in, it blew her skirt straight up! She screamed and laughed and my parents got such a big kick out of her. She knew that I was unable to see my parents as often as they would like to see me, so she totally pinched hit for me and became a regular guest. She would visit them on the way to seeing her mother. She would bring them a basket of fruit and would have a conversation with them for hours. She would tell me how "wise" my parents were and how she cherished their advice to give her some insight into her own relationships with others. She enlightened me into what I took for granted in my own family. It seems like my parents did the same for her.

One time, Vicky Garcia and I went to Lindsay (the Olive Capital of California) for Vicky Haas’ graduation. (A little back story) Those of you may not know that whenever Vicky Garcia is in the car with me, it’s like the animal magnet. Vicky and I have had run away horses coming for us, Big Bucks (like the Ring 2), mice and cows. Well, now we are in the car with Alice, driving back, listening to Alice’s Justin Timberlake CD and this owl’s huge wing brushed against the windshield of her jeep. We are all instantly screaming, followed by tears of laughter. (It was like it was out of the movie "The Sweetest Thing") Every moment was an adventure with Alice, you never knew what to expect.

Alice loved nature and it always gravitated towards her. As a matter of fact, I noticed that there was a bird’s nest in the eaves of the chapel outside the window and there are three birds with red chests fluttering about. There’s actually one looking as if it’s trying to peek in and get into the chapel.

Alice was very conscious about living a healthy lifestyle. She was very active, jogging, shooting hoops, riding her bike, roller blading. We were all looking in one direction with her in terms of health and fitness. What we all didn’t see was something like this coming.

Alice, in her own wisdom has taught us all to look at every direction in life. I can just imagine Alice, in all her excitement, seeing things that we can only imagine in heaven. Seeing colors that humans have never seen. Talking with ancestors that she has never met. Continuing to love and laugh and make everyone up there "laugh contagiously" with her. I’m a jealous that they get to have her now, but she deserves such an ornate, loving world without war, stress, pain, bills, rent... other things that frustrated her in life.

She will continue to touch all of our lives from this day forward.

Take the parts of Alice that you loved and live it."

Leaving Cerritos

Today we're leaving to go back to New York. It feels premature, I don't want to leave my mom and sister and dad, yet life calls us back.

Right now as I look through my (former) bedroom window, my mom is holding L's hand while crossing the street to go see the neighbor. L has been a very engaging presence in the family during this awfully painful time. Grandma a.k.a. Nanoug and granddaughter are very cute together.

The funeral was yesterday, and along with posts on this blog that Alice's loved ones have written, and e-mails I've received, I was so very heartened by the friends and family that attended. I spoke, my sister Sophie spoke, Alice's friends Sjoekje and Tom spoke, and our neighbor growing up Yvette spoke. I will post their remarks as I compile them electronically.

Know that I will continue to write, I hope you will continue to check back. There is more I want to say, and this Internet is a funny thing -- I have this strange, irrational feeling that the Internet reaches heaven. Maybe that's just a statement to how ubiquitous it often is in my life. It's as if, if something exists online, it reaches everywhere, including Alice. I'm going to go with that feeling.

We'll be back in Cerritos fairly soon.

What was Alice doing in San Diego?

It's a fair question, asked to me tonight by one Melissa in Alice's high school class. So I'll tell you.

Alice had moved to San Diego on August 23, 2006 to pursue an internship at San Diego City College. I know the exact date because when we were moving her things from her apartment yesterday, I came across a painted-over frosted candle holder. Alice had painted some pretty designs, along with I think a Chinese symbol, and the words "love," "faith," and "hope." Actually I don't remember all these details, I quickly packed it away when I first picked it up. Her dear friend in Long Beach, Stephanie, told me about what specifically had been painted on it, and told me the significance of the August date.

The intership was a requirment for her master's degree in kinesiology at Cal State Long Beach. She was working with Kathy, the chair of the Health and Exercise Science department at SDCC, assisting her in the classroom. I know Alice also served on a curriculum design committee along with many high-level decision makers at the College. Kathy was quickly impressed with Alice, not to mention smitten with her, and had already suggested that it would be likely that Alice would be offered a paying gig for the spring semester.

She was scheduled to take the comprehensive exam for her degree on October 20th so as to graduate in December. She had been dilly-dallying a bit lately, yet I knew she would pull together in time to feel prepared for the big exam. She'd worked so hard for this degree, and the end was finally in sight.

Alice also sought out a bible study group in San Diego. From a friend of hers in the group, Dina, I understand that Alice wanted to know God more intimately, and that studying the Bible would help. Her favorite passages included The Beatitudes in Matthew and some selections in Jeremiah. I'm not so familiar with the Bible, so this was an education for me.

Naturally, Alice also was flying her big butterfly kite at the beach. I've never seen it, yet I understand that it's big and majestic. She was going to her favorite destination as often as she could, and when she was there, she was taking full advantage of the elements. I came across a bottle of blowing bubbles and a hula-hoop in her apartment, so she was clearly finding time to engage her playfulness, of which she had an abundance.

Mostly, Alice was starting anew in San Diego, making new friends, and seeing what it felt like to be 100 miles from home once again. Her neighbors all expressed how much of an impact she had made on them during her short 3 weeks there. Dina recounted how Alice had made her lentil soup when she wasn't feeling well last week and would need to miss a bible study session. Her daughter-in-law Maxine told us there was still a smidgeon left in the fridge. I wanted to ask her for it, but that felt weird. Truth is I don't need to eat from her cooking to feel her last days. There are other ways to know, that I'm still exploring.

Auntig Alice

I had asked her if she wanted to be known as "Auntie Alice," which is rather American or "Tantig Alice," kind of French or "Alice Horkoor," very Armenian. When she first met L in December 2005, Alice said she would be "Auntig" Alice, a cross between "Auntie" and "Tantig" and said "Aunteeg." It stuck. And she was a phenomenal Auntig, can't you see by the pictures posted here? We were in California just in July and whenever we wanted to photograph the little cutie, there was Alice right beside her!

I'd like to consider myself a pretty good father. I look after what my daugher eats, I make sure she's comfortable, I change her diapers and on and on. Well, at the end of the day, I may not always have the attention to detail to introduce her to new and exciting things, all the time. Enter Auntig Alice. She brought L to the piano in my mom's home, sat her down at the bench, and there went L, pounding at the keys to her heart's delight. For her part, Alice was beside herself, quite proud to have introduced to her niece the wonders of 88 keys. She is totally beaming in this photo, while L's hands are blurred from the excitement of her aural creations.

N is for "No one can compete with Ms. Chahinian"

Yesterday while moving Alice's belongings from her very cute apartment in San Diego, I came across the following letter, written on standard notebook paper. Written on the front" is "To Ms. Chanian From: Jackie Rm. 11. Blue little hearts adorn the whole area. It reads (misspellings included):

"Dear Ms. Chainian,

You are the best substitute there ever was! You are pretty, nice, and smart, also did I mention,? FABULOUS! I never ever wrote to a substitute before. I don't know if anyone other than me have ever wrote to you but nobody could love you as a substitute than me! I like Ms. Morales as a teacher but if I had you!, It would be so heavenly. I didn't write this note just because you were my S.T. [Substitute Teacher] but you were such a great role model.

-Jackie Shim-
Rm. 11"

On the cover of the letter she writes:

"Can show of the groove.
Heavenly as can be
As you can see Ms. Chanian rocks.
Happy, what makes me (Jackie) feel you are great.
Important to me (Jackie)
Never a bad person
I LOVE Ms. C as a S.T.
Also the prettiest
No one can compete with Ms. Chainian."

How many students feel compelled to write a love note to their substitute teacher? No disrespect to Ms. Morales, of course. I can't tell exactly how old Jackie is, but from her handwriting I'd say she's about 12. Alice, you have brought so many of us untold joy.

"and now you guys will never rest"

Two weekends ago my daughter L walked for the first time. We immediately staged a dramatization of her first steps, starring herself of course, and videotaped it and took a couple of still pictures. We then e-mailed the evidence to our immediate family, including Alice. Her reply follows:

"Bedig!

Thanks a mil for that precious clip!! Whahappen to the sound? I guess she was concentrating too hard! She is a total pro!! She has greatbalance!~and I loved the victory dance at the end! She is my living,breathing Boobrig and I love her!!

I forwarded this message to my mom... was wondering if you could include her with the group mailings... Thanks pal!

Keep 'em comin...and now you guys will never rest!

love y'all,
alice"

"Bedig" is Armenian for Peter. That last statement "and now you guys will never rest" -- could she know what it would mean exactly one day after she wrote the e-mail? It's true, I haven't rested since.

The Gift of a Peach Tree

Written to Sophie from Alice's colleague at Cal State Long Beach, with minor edits:

"Hi Sophie

Sharon asked that I send you the email that I sent out as Graduate Coordinator to our Grad students about Alice, I have attached it below.

A number of students and former students have dropped by my office already to share with me how saddened they are by Alice's death and how much they enjoyed her as a classmate.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Alison
Associate Professor
Department of Kinesiology
California State University, Long Beach

Subject: Some sad news for graduate students and faculty

I wanted to inform you that one of your KIN[eseology] Graduate Program classmates, Alice Chahinian, passed away as a result of injuries suffered in a caraccident on Tuesday, September 19, 2006.

Alice, who was a student in the Sport and Exercise Psychology Option, was in her final semester of the program and was in the process of preparing for her Comprehensive Exams. Those of you who were in classes with Alice will remember her cheerfulpersonality that enlivened class discussion.

It was Alice who came up with the idea last Spring of donating a Peach Tree to the CSULB campus in honorof the Kinesiology Department. She believed that a living memorial would be more significant as a "Class Gift" because future students could appreciateits beauty.

I will place a card for Alice's family on the board outside my office for those of you who would like to sign and I will send it to them on our behalf.

Alison"

Alice Appeared Today

When I got out of the shower this morning at about 10 am, my sister Sophie and my partner Peter were at my bedroom window a bit frantic. I heard fluttering, and then saw that Peter was trying to capture a hummingbird that had found its way into my mom's home. Maybe it was following the scent of all the flowers we've received, I don't know. I closed the bedroom door and the closet door so we could contain it. I was a bit panicked; I didn't want the bird to be hurt. Finally, Peter got his hands around the hummingbird, and it became calm. We ran downstairs -- I in my towel still -- we opened the door and Peter released her. She flew immediately skyward, free again. I know it was Alice who came by to let us know that she is OK, exactly one week after her death. And as I write this through tears, I am comforted by her surprising visit this morning. Thank you, Alice, for letting me know you're happy again, and free.

Inspired by, and Props to QueenB

This blog is the result of the entry I read at http://dj-queenb.livejournal.com/13342.html

Take a look at what's already been written about Alice, and the responses of many friends and loved ones.

"Bring Some Bubbles"

Sjoekje (said "shookee"), has been instrumental in thinking of what we as a family may need to remember Alice in the best fashion. A million times thank you, Sjoekje. She sent this message, with minimal edits, to Alice's friends two days ago:

Subject: Funeral Services for Alice and other details...

Again, it is this Wednesday, 9/27 at 11 am at the chapel. She will be buried at Rose Hills Mortuary www.rosehills.com
The address is:
3888 S. Workman Mill Road
Whittier, Calif. 90601

*****There will be a few opportunities for people to share there memories throughout the morning. If you would like to make something to be displayed or given to the family, all is welcomed.

*****If you do attend, please bring some bubbles to blow in her memory*****

*****We are collecting $$ to donate a wreath to her family from her friends to have at the services and at the gravesite. If you are interested, please e-mail or call me ASAP so we can order it ahead of time with however much you would like to contribute. We can work out the logistics when you contact me.

*****For those of you who would like to send something to the family, e-mail careertalklive@yahoo.com to get her mother's address.

*****Following the services, the family will be hosting a lunch at an Armenian restaurant in Montebello (which is minutes away from Rose Hills).

*****Finally, as everyone knows, Alice was deeply proud of her Armenian heritage. It exuded in even a simple gesture, such as if anyone came to visit, she would have a cup of her delicious Armenian coffee ready for you. She was very rich in her culture, love, knowledge and generosity. If anyone is interested in making a donation under her name to her former school, "Armenian Mesrobian School"
The address is:
Armenian Mesrobian School
8420 Beverly Rd
Pico Rivera, CA 90660
Phone Number: (562) 699-2054

Please forward this to everyone you know who would like the information. Any other questions, concerns or ideas, feel free to contact me and I will answer them as best as I can.

Take care,
Sjoekje

ULV Soccer Alum

"Alice Chahinian, ULV Soccer Alum, tragically killed in auto accident" was the subject heading of the e-mail sent today from Alice's brother-in-law, Peter. The message with minimal edits, and a reply sent by one of her soccer coaches:

"To all friends of Alice Chahinian, who played soccer for La Vern in the early 1990s:

Alice was killed in a sudden and tragic auto accident on Tuesday, Sept. 19. For all of us who knew Alice, it is incomprehensible to imagine that someone with so much life and spirit is no longer with us, at least here on Earth.

Please join her family and friends at the funeral this Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2006 at Rose Hills Memorial Park, 3888 Workman Mill Rd., Whittier, CA at 11:00 a.m.

Any memories, thoughts, etc. are very much appreciated by her family. A blog has been established at: http://alicechahinian.blogspot.com or feel free to call Peter (Alice's brother-in-law).

Please share this tragic news with all who knew Alice, and let's keep her memory alive through all those she touched in her short, vibrant life...

Thank you."

Alice's soccer coach responded:

Peter,
I'm stunned and saddened to hear about Alice. She is a bright star on a bland planet.
She is loved by the athletic department at ULV.
Don, Head Football Coach

Open Letter to Alice

Dear Alice,
I didn't cry when I woke up this morning -- on the outside, at least. I want you to know so much, and I'm really struggling to find out if you can hear me talk to you. I hope and pray that you can. I've been talking to your beautiful and loving friends, Stephanie and Sjoekje, who are grieving right alongside me and Mam and Sophie and Dad. They're telling me about how they knew you, and we're remembering your life. Your short, and intense life.
We're on our way to see your apartment in San Diego. People are concerned that it will be difficult for us to go, and I agree. However, we're going to see the scene of your life, and that's what I want to see with my own eyes.
We're leaving now, this is to be continued...

Our Loss

Alice Chahinian died on Tuesday, September 19, 2006 at the age of 36. Her funeral will take place on Wednesday, September 27, 2006 at 11:00 a.m. at Rose Hills Memorial Park in Whittier, California.