On the Eve of the 13th Anniversary

I was sitting at home tonight feeling agitated. I didn't know why. I'd plans to go see my favorite Kristeen Young in an East Village club at 10pm, but around dinnertime I lost interest and decided not to go. So unlike me when it comes to a pop concert.

Trying to rest on the couch, unable to get comfortable, I hatched a plan to make cookie dough. A ball of heavy, sugary carbohydates would definitely overtake my crap feelings. Making the stuff wouldn't numb my feelings, no. Ingesting it would. I got up to go to the kitchen, when a dear friend pinged from CA:
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Thinking of you tonight and will be all day tomorrow. I love you!!!  Miss you tons.

No f`cking wonder I'm sitting here, distraught but unsure why, making cookie dough for myself. I hadn't even considered the calendar. Thank you for remembering. And f`ck, the waterworks now.

Oh no. Am I an a-hole for reminding you? Love you.

No, not at all. No. You know me inside more than I know myself. That's love

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So, 13 years ago today since it's now past midnight, Alice died in a car wreck.

I poured half a bag of walnuts into the sweet paste to spike my blood sugar a little less. Then I ate almost all of it. And felt sick afterwards, as planned. 

Just as those granulated crystals often provoke, I soon wanted more. So I shoveled tablespoonfuls into my face until I was thinking of nothing but the pounding in my head and the thickness of my belly.

Thing is, I've been on a health kick these last few months (see mention of walnuts, above. See?).  Alice would be proud of how much I've improved. But I sabotaged my progress a little tonight. 

Thirteen years ago today Alice died.

I thank my lucky stars I have friends who won't let me forget.