Caller ID

Sometime during the last several weeks, I thought I noticed an August date on our caller ID. Finally, today I had the wherewithall to scroll through all the numbers, and this is what I came upon:
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04:48pm 9/10 call # 15
562-208-1814
CHAHINIAN ALICE
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On September 10, 2006 Alice called us. I just wrote "me" and changed it to "us" because it's true she sometimes called for Peter, and lately, L. In her voice mail, she would say "I don't know if you're in the con-tree (said with a rolled 'r') or in the 'shitty'." She'd go from an Armenian accent to a hick accent in one sentence.

What I don't know is if I picked up. I don't know if we were home or not, if I returned her phone call, if I stewed for avoiding her. I'm having difficulties remembering right now, and it feels "shitty" for sure, so to speak. Part of writing this down right now is so I don't forget this detail. Distance is doing this to me.

I hate that I sometimes didn't pick up the phone when Alice called. I didn't know what mood she was in, or maybe I wasn't in any mood.

What I would do today for a phone call from Alice.

When L Met Belinda

I've been waiting to have the above photograph processed before posting here. I know it's been a while.

On the afternoon of Friday, February 2nd, Giuseppe called on my cell phone and said Belinda Carlisle was signing her new CD Voila at the Borders bookstore in the Time Warner Center. It's an album of French standards; Belinda has always felt she had a "chanteuse" in her. I do love all the songs, typical me.

At the time of the call, L and I were at the playground, on the swings and see-saw even though it was 30 degrees outside. I still can't believe we live in such conditions; Alice would have never tolerated them. So we ran to the apartment, I got a cup of water and cheese and crackers for L and we high-tailed it on the subway to the bookstore.

I was sweating -- panting, really -- from running. Once we got to the store, we stood in line for about 35 minutes, not easy with a 17 month old, then our turn was up and we finally met Belinda. She said L was really pretty and I told her how I had to wait 25 years to meet her but L only had to wait 17 months. Belinda was very charming, as was L, fortunately. We snapped the photo above and we were off.

OK, briefly, I have to include a photo of L having her photo taken with Santa Claus for the first time back in December:


Why is it that when L meets luminaries such as Belinda or Santa, she seems nonplussed?
Anyway, we walked through the maze of CDs and books to get back outside and hop on the train back home. As I entered the mall before the exit, I had to run to the nearest corner to put L down and sob. This was exactly the kind of moment when I would have called Alice and said "L just met Belinda Carlisle" and Alice would join in my giddiness. She would have understood the significance of me meeting Belinda, and the fun fortune of L sharing that.
Instead I called my sister Sophie, who didn't answer her phone. I wiped my tears, took L's hand, and together we walked out into the rain, homeward.

Reminders

This photo was lying on the desk, I think we were planning to enlarge it, and I realized it's one I haven't uploaded to the blog.

In December 2005 we came to California to introduce L to the family. My Dad, Alice, Peter, L and I went to a Thai restaurant near my dad's home. Alice and my dad cooed over L throughout the meal.

L was the great savior to our relationship that visit. We all focused on her, and not on the bitternesses between us. She does that with my mom and dad and Sophie still.

The picture reminds me that Alice was a great gift in my life. And it's a reminder that the physical gift, Alice herself, is gone. That I am without her now.

My eyes are slowly opening enough to see another reminder--that many people I love are still living, and need me in their lives too.

Peter's Birthday

Peter turned 43 on Monday, and my mom, dad and Sophie all contacted him during the day to wish him a happy birthday.

At 10pm after he and I had a cupcake each from Magnolia Bakery, I checked my cell phone voicemail. Sjoekje had called, and I couldn't quite understand what she was saying, so I put the phone on speaker.

When Peter heard the message, he said "is that Alice?"

As if Alice could call.

Hold on. When I, too, first heard the message, my heart dropped for a beat when she said "Haig." Incredibly, it sounded just like Alice. Her speech pattern, the tone of her voice, the rhythm of her words -- all evoked Alice. Within another moment, I realized of course it was Sjoekje.

Made me think that Alice called to wish Peter a happy birthday. I rarely check my voicemail via speaker phone, and when I do, nobody's around. It's like Peter was meant to overhear this message on his big day.

I e-mailed Sjoekje to tell her, and she said indeed she felt possessed by Alice when she was leaving the message, though not in a supernatural sense, in a spiritual sense. That in the past it's true they often sounded the same, and that Alice's voice was contagious.

The alternative is to accept that Alice won't be calling Peter on his birthday anymore. That when I say my family called him, that means he received 3 phone calls.

This scenario is just too hard to bear. I prefer to believe that Alice called this year along with the rest of the family.

The top photo is from Alice's flash drive that I just plugged in for the first time. Looks like it was taken with her telephone.

Even through a grainy image, her smile is luminous.