It looks like I can manage. I talk to people, I get to work almost on time, I'm paying some bills. Sometimes I laugh.
Underneath this veneer, however, I exist unsettled.
Alice and I were interconnected, all of our lives. Even when we were cold, I felt an unmistakeable bond with her, and she with me I bet. True I was forever working to find my footing with Alice, seeking a kind of balance with her.
We were searching for a way to communicate that honored her insistence on living in and for the moment, while acknowledging my tendency to hold on to things past. We were getting there...
Now my life has been destabilized, and Alice isn't here to calibrate me. I'm left to figure out how to be, on my own. Which takes untold psychic energy, and I don't know when or if I will feel resolved.
Until then, I zombie about, furtively eating donuts for fleeting comfort.
It's kind of like sitting on a see-saw with nobody on the other end. For a long time.
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