Well, I went to L.A. to mark the one year anniversary of Alice's death on September 19th. My mom had said that instead of paying the priest to bless Alice's grave, let's go to Warehouse Pizza and remember her with her friends. Thriftiness before godliness? So this is what we did, but first I posted a notice on the blog.
The morning of Alice's anniversary, I went to the public library to check-in on the blog, and indeed there was a response from a friend of Alice's in San Diego. I was really touched to realize that Eneri clearly had been holding on to Alice for the last year, that Alice had made an impression in such a short time. Well, maybe I wasn't surprised about the magical effect Alice could have on her friends.
I want to write more about the anniversary day, in the meantime here is the poem that Eneri wrote for Alice, published on her blog myspace.com/djqueenb. (Note: you must be a myspace user to access her pages.)
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She spoke to my soul in ways...
Current mood: melancholy
She was one of those people who's aura spoke to your soul within minutes of you shaking her hand hello, like somehow the energie that traveled with her knew how to speak to the void in your heart, the void in your life, the emptiness that surrounded you. I only hung out with her a handful of times, and she managed to leave an imprint on my mind like she was permanent, like I knew she could have been a best friend.
Her name was Alice Chahinian. She was the party when the party needed one, she was the light that lit up a room when she walked in, she was the energie you felt when you began to feel warm. There was something about her, something about her smile, her laugh, her ability to be so fucking hilarious when you needed to laugh. Our friendship was short lived, but it managed to change my life.
One year ago today Alice and I had planned to have dinner together. I thought it would be great to have Vietnamese and then visit our friend Rahul at City College who was tutoring there. The three of us were faculty interns there at the time and had hit it off. I had called him to let him know the plan. Only Alice never showed up. I thought maybe something had come up, so I called a few times and waited. She never came. And then I got the email. The night before she had been in a fatal car accident coming home from Ocean Beach.
What was most striking to me was that we had originally planned to have dinner the night before. I had gotten out of class, I was exhausted and tired. I spoke to her on the phone and rainchecked with her. She was at a liquor store in Ocean Beach. She was bummed but agreed to have dinner the next night. Then she asked something to the effect of, "Okay what kind of cigarettes should I buy? We're gonna share them but you will have the pack with you at all times, hehe, because you know, I don't smoke." She was a faculty intern in Excercise Sciences. Hilarious. So I told her that if she wanted to feel better about it, we should go for American Spirits, the light blue pack.
"Alright girl, I am so excited about tomorrow. Sorry I didn't have the energie tonight but maybe tomorrow we can have that bowl and shit." And with that we said goodbye. A few minutes later, she was in a car accident. I am not sure, but I think I might have been one of the last people to talk to her. The next night, Rahul ended up coming over and we went to Mission Beach. We rode the roller coaster in her memory. For some time after that I kept asking myself, why did I bail on her like that? If I had just prioritized friendships over academics for once, she would have taken a different route to my house, why am i so selfish? Could I have prevented it? I never got to know the deeper side of her, it was so soon, why did this happen? Were the goddesses trying to tell me something? But in the end, questions like that only lead to unhealthy processing. And I know I couldn't go down that route.
Today I write about her and remember her presence in my life. I will go to LA and have pizza and beer with her family, I will watch the sunset in her honor, journal in her memory, I will live and experience life the way she would have wanted everyone to, with a smile on their face.
I blogged about her last year on my livejournal account. Her brother somehow found it, and decided to start a blog in her memory as well. You can read more about Alice here: http://www.alicechahinian.blogspot.com/. This is a poem I have been working on for almost a year. Today, on the anniversary of Alice's passing, I can finally consider it finished.
Dear Alice
by Eneri Rodriguez
September 19, 2007
Dear Alice,
I was in the middle of a sentence with you
That has been interrupted, forever.
I spoke about you like the way you speak of a new soul that enters your lifetime
And dramatically upsets the balance in your life
You upset mine something awful, like you made it hard to breath sometimes,
that's how floored i was.
Floored in ways that made me realize how much I take life for granted
I don't let myself stop to and take in the scent of life happenings, or even catch my breath,
Have dinner with the people in my life
Write these thoughts down,
i've lived in San Diego my whole life and I can count how many times i've watched the sunset on my two hands.
I want to do these things more.
I want to enjoy life more,
especially with you.
You caused an imbalance in my life like something awful.
Like how as much as I like to think of myself
As the know it all chicana feminist in the movement
You put me on blast for assuming you were white.
Your skin color spoke to me in ways that I grew resistant to.
Forgive me for denying you of your ethnicity,
of your beauty.
Don't ever stop calling me out when I fuck up like that.
I was in the middle of a sentence with you
That has been interrupted, forever.
And how is it that for the first time in a long time I felt safe with you
In ways I hadn't felt for so long?
How is it that you've managed to cast a spell on me that speaks of multiple lifetimes
unexplored dreams of skipping rocks with sea urchins at night
running across sands of trust and testimonies that caused me to fall in love with you
over a period of time that speaks in speeds that only light particles travel in?
Alice,
Did you know that I am the youngest of two
And that my parents are still married after 30 years?
Or that I am in a queer identified relationship?
Did you know that I was in an abusive relationship for two years,
Or that in college I was stalked by a professor who everyone loved
and that he almost raped me?
Alice, I have never felt so silenced as i did then.
Did you know that I have lived in San Diego off and on for twenty five years
Most recently to escape from him?
Alice, did you know that I write poetry sometimes?
And when I am depressed I like to write music too
Mostly in the shower but these days on the mic.
I like to make zines
I still send letters the snail mail kind of way
I find mixed cds ritualistic and sacred
In fact I was beginning to craft one for you,
I didn't have an exact theme but it involved a bit of Iron & Wine, Zap Mama and some Otis Redding.
And I eat at Lalos, Thai Time, and Dao Son on a regular basis.
I don't eat fish but I eat sushi with cream cheese and tofu, and on the day you died,
I ate white fish for the first time in my life.
I hate to wear hoodies with t-shirts underneath them,
I find them dramatically uncomfortable.
And after smoking a bowl (which we never got to together despite the many conversations)
I like to watch Carnivale, the L-Word, Twin Peaks and play Soul Caliber.
Alice, I want to know all about you now.
And by the way, in the last three years
I have lost my friend Joy De La Cruz
my half brother,
my grandmother,
And now
I have lost you.…
I was in the middle of a sentence with you
That has been interrupted, forever.
How is it that you have come and gone so quickly that
at times these days it seems your memory is beginning to fade?
I waited for you on Wednesday.
You said we'd have dinner, but you never came.
I thought you had stood me up.
But now,
Instead
I write you this letter
Have this conversation with you
Smoke the pack of cigarettes we were going to share,
I ride the Coaster at Mission Beach like we planned to,
Knowing that I was in the middle of a sentence with you
that has been interrupted, forever.
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