Still dreaming

I still dream of Alice, and it's like creating a new life with her. The other night I dreamt that she had dyed [I just changed the f`cked up spelling from 'died'] her hair platinum and it was cute. There's always this feeling in my dreams that her presence is temporary, and I must take full advantage of it. So I was free to tell her how gorgeous she looked, something I rarely, if ever, told her in real life. I was scared to get too close, or to touch-off something about her own self-regard. In my dreams, it feels really good to express myself unconditionally.

It's been a long time since I've written, I know. It's like Michelle Williams said (below), my feelings about Alice and her death are always changing, and while I have worked to capture as many of them as possible here, sometimes they come and go so quickly, I can't latch onto them.

The yearning I feel to be with Alice is still so strong, I'm grateful that it manifests itself in my dreams. My mom has told me in the recent past, in tears, that she hasn't been dreaming of Alice. She holds Alice so close to her heart, it's as if Alice can't flutter into the farther-away land of my mother's dreams. In mine, for now, she is vibrant, and smiling, and moving quickly.
God damn it.
This pain, not these dreams.