Tomorrow, September 19, 2008 will mark two years since Alice died.
I'm out of town for work, away from all members of my family, and it's hard. I'm so sad. I miss Alice so much. It's been a long time since I last posted to this blog, I know. Of course I think of Alice so very frequently, although you wouldn't know it because I haven't written anything here. I do think it's an indication of how Alice has moved deeper inside of me, her physical absence is less at my fingertips, as it were.
I'm struggling here to make clear sense, I think. Maybe it's the recirculated air I breathed during the flight to Tampa.
About 10 nights ago, I was out with a friend, we had a drink and then dinner, and while walking over to the restaurant -- Lupe's East L.A. Kitchen, yes, in New York City -- I saw a nearly full, brilliantly white moon. And immediately I thought of Alice. For the first time, in connecting a moment in nature with remembering Alice, I wasn't overwhelmingly sad. Maybe it was the beer, but I felt comforted to have a reminder of her with me while I was out enjoying an evening. It is possible to feel sadness, pain and joy together while carrying Alice with me during a pleasant evening out.
What has been so difficult, realizing this two years later, is the fact that Alice was the closest person to me. She had been in my life, from the day I was born. We understood each other in a fundamental, cosmic way. She was under my skin. So losing her has been losing part of my life.
These words feel a little more heady, less emotional, than other words I've spilled onto these digital pages. And while I cried yesterday, and I cried today... I don't know, I can't end this one in a tidy knot. Maybe I'm tired.
Very tired indeed.
2 comments:
ALICE REMAINS PRESENT!
Today your childhood neighbors remember your sister. It was such an emotional jolt when she left us two years ago. Yet, I felt grateful when she appeared in my sleep. Twice in the past couple months I got to see her and chat with her. The first time, we were kids sitting on the front porch step, her pigtails as vivid as ever. The next time, we were adults and talking, while I stared at her piercing smile.
I feel that reminiscing keeps her close - and even if you don't get a frequent post, she knows she was loved by the most.
You are all in my prayers!
Love Always, Y
Thank you, Y, for remembering, and missing Alice on this day. And thank you for keeping us in your prayers, it's very comforting to know. Always, -Haig
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