Packing Up

We were packing to leave CA for NY last night and I found myself remembering Alice. I'm not going to reference the sorrow, pain and tears that accompanied my thoughts--I know, just did--because it seems I always do and it's getting tired.

Well, I'm tired.

I'm exhausted by Alice's absence. And my despair wears me down.

Searching for solace, for meaning in this tragedy, plumbing the depths of my consciousness to locate my relationship with Alice consumes me. I want her back so we can go on like we were meant to.

I've diverged from my original train of thought.

So as I was in my room loading luggage and making the bed, I was missing Alice. She would usually hang around during our departure, take advantage of last moments with L, and help however she could. I never told Alice how special those passing minutes were for me.

Instead, I closed myself off to make leaving hurt less. Alice was able to revel in the fleeting moments of our farewell, cherishing the time we were spending together. She'd ask when we were returning, why we weren't coming back sooner and talk about her plans to visit us in NYC.

There was none of this while I was packing up yesterday.

To be sure, it was different. My mom spent time sitting next to L in the backseat of the car. I had my memories of Alice to occupy me. And my beloved Peter was making sure everything was in order, that I was OK, that we would make it back home.

Someone, anonymously, submitted a comment to the last entry suggesting essentially that I appreciate my relationship with Sophie more. It's true I need to focus on those who remain here with me.

This photo, while a scan of a photocopy of the actual photograph, is definitely one of my favorites. Alice is all glamourous cheer!