Christmas Eve

I woke up from a dream this morning. The beginning is a little convoluted, so bear with me.

Peter and I were shopping, and we started talking with the store proprietor. We had received some plants at our doorstep with no note, and asked her if she had sent them to us. As she was answering, I heard Alice's voice.

It was hard to believe, so I cautiously turned the corner and looked downstairs; indeed, I more clearly heard Alice talking about her students and, there she was! Now in my mom's house, I actually jumped over the banister and floated down to the first floor from excitement.

I stood in the doorway and looked at Alice, she was her animated self, talking and laughing. Then I made eye contact with Sophie, incredulous. Going back and forth between Sophie and Alice for a moment, it was as if I were watching a tennis match.

With my eyes I asked Sophie if she realized what was going on and could she freeze this moment forever? Something was tugging me back upstairs and I had to will myself to stay a moment longer, not to let this eden end so soon.

I couldn't stand it anymore, I lunged for Alice and hugged her, pressing her head close to my face, running my fingers through her hair even though it wasn't really socially acceptable. I had missed her so f`cking much, I wanted to feel her as much as I could. The pulling force got stronger, and I quickly floated away.

This is when I came to consciousness, although my eyes were still closed. I wailed in my sleep. We're visiting Peter's family and I expected everybody could hear me, I couldn't hold back. Again, it dawned on me that I would never. again. see or be with Alice.

People feel closer to their deceased loved ones when they are sad, I've been reading. As I hold back my tears in typing this, however, my grief still feels very painful.

In time I hope I will accept these apparitions as a means to remain connected with Alice.