Eneri's comments put something significant into perspective for me.
On Friday I called my dad, asked how he was doing, then asked what he was doing the following day. He said he was gearing up to continue planting his fall garden, he was a quarter done, yet it's getting difficult to be motivated as he gets older. I said Saturday was a big day, and effectively reminded him about the anniversary of Alice's death.
It wasn't at the top of his mind! He was more concerned with his garden, and a part of me envied his... forgetfulness? Blissful ignorance? Cold-heartedness? He reported not remembering the date his sister died back in June, and I offered that she was 80 and died in her sleep. He corrected me on her age, missing my point.
On Saturday he called me to tell me that he would not go to the cemetary because "it's too far." He explained that "you people chose the location," and he wasn't going to be bothered. I allow him to "grieve" as he will.
Then I spoke with my mom, who said that she has found herself pushing Alice out of her mind because it hurts too much, that it's easier to focus on her homework and other more immediate concerns. It was a kind of relief, like permission not to dwell on the misery that is Alice's absence. While my mom's car had broken down on Friday, circumstances worked out so that she could go to Rose Hills. We all know Alice is "not there," yet I know it's a way to feel closer to her.
On our end, Peter and L brought home a lovely bouquet of sunflowers and other blossoms, and I made shish kebab as I had planned. We had a guest over who was game for commiserating. There was a moment where it felt festive to prepare such an elaborate meal, but my melancholy mood soon washed that away. I went to sleep early so as not to wallow too long.
Which brings me to Eneri's input. I think it's helpful to leave it to the universe to remind us of Alice. I don't always have to be in despair--to be sure, in the last year it's been the exception to the rule--since Alice persists with me, and I can allow her to move to the forefront of my consciousness as the cosmos dictates. I just need to keep my eyes and heart open at all times.
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Aside, I was wondering recently if my posts are too long, that I should embrace something like Twitter to keep the main ideas shorter. While a long-form blog is very 2005, I think it serves my purpose better in providing a larger canvas on which to express what happens over 3 years and beyond after someone so close dies so suddenly, so young.
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