Guess what I found

It happened for the second time earlier today.

I was in the kitchen when Peter yelled "Guess what I found!" My first thought was oh, something I lost, that I've been seeking, something that will make me feel better to have again? And in the back of my head was, Alice. Like Peter might find Alice while rummaging through L's things.

I had a 0.5 second hope that my emptiness was going to be filled by what Peter found, and I was going to have relief. Maybe not finding Alice herself, but some message from her, reassuring me that I was a good brother, that she would always know that I loved her dearly even in her death.

So that I could rest a little bit.

This burden, my hell, is continuing to live through the suddenness of Alice's death with all the unresolved stuff, what I never said, what I took for granted with her, what I never quite did.

What Peter found was the squeegee L had chewed, and that we need to replace. Oh, that. The first time Peter asked me, he had found her crayons.

That something lost was located somehow gives me hope that other things I am seeking can also be found. Like less sorrow. And more real connectedness.