At 4:23 a.m. this morning I was startled awake from a dream. I was sad as I realized what I had dreamt, but it was a more complicated sadness than usual.
I dreamt that I was washing dishes in the kitchen of my mom's house, feeling alone because my mom, dad, Sophie and Alice were all against me for some typical reason. Then Alice came into the room to antagonize me further, saying I was wrong about something -- I hate that the details aren't so clear to me.
My feelings of loneliness, ironically even in the presence of all immediate family members, were more enlightened than usual. When Alice approached me, she was doing so only as a representative of the rest of the family, and that this tension wasn't between her and me only. I had some patience for her, and resented the rest of the group for putting her up to this.
I retaliated by yelling back and throwing grape juice on her. When the juice hit her clothing, I noticed that her outfit was already a kind of berry color, and so the spill didn't make a big difference. However, I saw that the blue in the grape juice was permeating the red-based berry color; her top was turning bluer.
She reached for the coffee pot in the sink, and was attempting to douse me with the brown water and grounds when I suddenly woke up.
On one hand it felt like typical Alice that I couldn't get to her -- her clothes were already the general color of the juice. In my conscious state so early in the morning, I was reminded about the rage I could feel towards Alice, and wished that I could have felt more compassion towards her when she was alive, because I do believe she carried alot of aggression on behalf of all of us.
The meaning of the colors isn't so clear to me right now.
In a weird way, it felt good to have this dream, to re-live one aspect of being with Alice.
Come to think of it, I'm the blue one in her absence.
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